Mind Over Matter & Money Over Men

‘Pimpin’ aint’ easy’ but neither is being broke.

Unbeknownst to me, after being laid off this would come to mean getting out of my feelings over these boys and getting all the way in my bag. Although I’m proud to stand before you today and say I’ve cleansed my p*ssy palate of men, I’d be a fraud if I didn’t confess that instead of living in my bag I was actually on the verge of selling it and the rest of my picked-over wardrobe just to keep my bank account from over drafting this week.

Admittedly, I’m just as broke as I was the last time I had a man — if not more — I can’t say the time to myself hasn’t allowed me to level up and gain wealth in other ways. If you’re familiar with the principles of manifestation, you know how powerful it is to look at wealth outside of the monetary.

Although, by that same token I probably shouldn’t be putting my brokeness out into the Universe in any form, much less the form of a blog where the entire premise is sharing my broke journey and where the imprint of my financial instability runs the risk of leaving a murky stain. But, I digress!

Whatever the outcome of my stain is, there’s simply no denying the knowledge gained in taking a timeout from men and elevating me. It didn’t make me rich because that’s a process and it’s not as instant as Insta will have you believing, but the most important thing I’ve learned to do is reframe the way I think about and interact with money. In turn, I’ve discovered that my relationship with money is more tumultuous than I imagined. Seriously, I’ve got more daddy (Warbucks?) issues with my money than I’ve ever had with any man, and much like the real thing, they’ve been inherited as a result of my parents poor planning and heavy load of baggage. If you’ve read the 'You Are a Badass' series, this probably sounds familiar.

Nonetheless, it was all news to me and it f*cked me up for awhile because the logic that I hate money and thus choose to stay broke had me like “Bitch, wait? Whaah?” It was the ultimate insult but fueled by desperation, much like now, I was ready to receive this word and get right with the world.

As a result, I’ve come to find that my beliefs about money and subconscious distaste for it are a result of feeling as though having money means settling in love. Full disclosure: love is something that I so badly want, almost as much as I thought I wanted money. No less, I’ve watched my mother lead a miserable life in one marriage or another in order to maintain financial stability. Not in a golddigger type of way, because she comes fully loaded with her own independence plus a bag and a half to carry it in. But more so, in a way that she remains in a marriage out of obligation because two six figure incomes are better than one. Prior to that, she remained in a physically abusive marriage until she received her Nursing degree because again -- two incomes were better than one -- and ensured that she would escape and do so for good by having her own. I’m not knocking it. I respect it. Still, I have to acknowledge how witnessing that from a young age onward has likely contributed to my beliefs on both love and money.

Further unpacking this lead me to conclude, that having money might mean sacrificing love or settling for love that is less than and possibly love that most literally hurts. This conclusion didn’t come to me overnight, because no well-thought out response to the thought provoking questions of life do.

I started meditating, chanting affirmations, and being cautious of the intentions that I sent off into the Universe. I read about crystals and manifesting. Manifesting, then crystals again and I although I began to notice subtle differences in how money and I got along.

Be that as it may, I am here yet again begging before the Money Gawds to fix it. So what’s different about me?

Above simply saying that I want to have a wealth of money to go with my growing wealth of knowledge, I am finding that I have a deeper sense of faith required to trust the process. I’ve witnessed the way money comes to me when I don’t dwell on how much of it I need versus how much I don’t visibly have in the bank.

Money you never knew you had, magically appears when you need it the most. The key is to move forward with a vicious hustle and a peaceful mind, which is easier said than done when the notices are piling up. I know because although I understand the concept and can sometimes apply it to my life -- most days I’m running around like a damn banche, giving myself more anxiety over the thought of the anxiety that’s to come if I don’t come up with a stack like yesterday.

I now know that I have to give money the same energy I once exerted chasing after these men and finding love. Hell, if I can resolve my money woes on my own I can pay a therapist to talk me through my daddy issues as it pertains to men. With that in mind, I move forward enlightened and ready to start the hard work to get the bag...f’real this time.

In hindsight I realize how silly I sound talking about I wanted a man to grow with me when I didn't even have shit to water my damn self or at the very least (because sis does have some damn good credentials to back it up), I wasn’t ready and willing to nourish myself properly to be able to extend that same nurturing to another.

So I come to you still broke and still manless, yes. But more ready than ever to take full advantage of this time of self exploration and build myself up in every way possible.

Some may say that I’ve grown too comfortable in my singledom, but here’s a closing word to reaffirm the path that I’m on (and perhaps you should welcome): Dick and money will each always be there in their own right, but only one of them will get up and abruptly walk out on you.

I said what I said, so you can take it or leave it but today I stand before you asking to be held accountable as I wed myself to the manifestation of wealth. One day I can and will have it all but for now my life’s motto is mind over matter and money over men.